05-10-2017, 07:14 AM
[quote="67eager" pid='228258' dateline='1494308248']
FIRST NAME
Hi 67eager! I've read your poem a few times now, and I'm still not sure I have a handle on it.
Firstly, the title - I still don't know why it is 'first'. The body of the poem doesn't explain that.
Secondly, the rhyme scheme. For me, if you're going to use one, stick to it. You move from abab to abba, back to abab, then aabb, and end with abab.
Thirdly - 'it's' shortens 'it is'. You use it often when you should use 'its' denoting possession.
Fourthly - I'm not a fan of inverting word order to achieve an end line rhyme.
Generally, you use some good imagery ' ... the lover alone in his dance' is one example. But some just doesn't work for me. '...withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,' I'm flummoxed.
Other phrases, such as 'It would seem' are not at all necessary to the poem and feel like they're there to prop up the rhyme scheme.
I hope this doesn't sound too negative. You have the start of a good poem, now you need to clarify what you want to say, and tidy up the points I've mentioned.
I look forward to reading the edit!
FIRST NAME
Hi 67eager! I've read your poem a few times now, and I'm still not sure I have a handle on it.
Firstly, the title - I still don't know why it is 'first'. The body of the poem doesn't explain that.
Secondly, the rhyme scheme. For me, if you're going to use one, stick to it. You move from abab to abba, back to abab, then aabb, and end with abab.
Thirdly - 'it's' shortens 'it is'. You use it often when you should use 'its' denoting possession.
Fourthly - I'm not a fan of inverting word order to achieve an end line rhyme.
Generally, you use some good imagery ' ... the lover alone in his dance' is one example. But some just doesn't work for me. '...withdrawing desires intended for the tomb,' I'm flummoxed.
Other phrases, such as 'It would seem' are not at all necessary to the poem and feel like they're there to prop up the rhyme scheme.
I hope this doesn't sound too negative. You have the start of a good poem, now you need to clarify what you want to say, and tidy up the points I've mentioned.
I look forward to reading the edit!