05-12-2017, 11:05 AM
Hello wordgobbler! First off, I must say that this was an incredibly easily visualized poem, and you have many excellent elements of visual imagery here. I do have some suggestions!
beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and Maybe Beetle Wife can be capitalized along with the body parts? It could add emphasis and draw focus to the subject?
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off ooze can be complemented like an adverb such as drippingly, it could continue your imagery nicely
if you want, tastes like summer.
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks I like the flame that you subtly mentioned at the same time left out, adds the capability for the reader to iterate on the idea based on personal experiences.
wings ripped off and blown away with breath
I am reminded of the meat market, plastic I can't quite visualize how this is meant to represent the whole situation, but it is still incredibly vivid, good work on both of this line and the one below.
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned Wow, what an abrupt and stiff ending, but in a good way! I like how you cut to the quick, it shows the stark nature of the abuse you mentioned.
beetle wife. smash her with thumbs and Maybe Beetle Wife can be capitalized along with the body parts? It could add emphasis and draw focus to the subject?
watch red ooze onto the skin. lick it off ooze can be complemented like an adverb such as drippingly, it could continue your imagery nicely
if you want, tastes like summer.
antennas burned, shrinking like matchsticks I like the flame that you subtly mentioned at the same time left out, adds the capability for the reader to iterate on the idea based on personal experiences.
wings ripped off and blown away with breath
I am reminded of the meat market, plastic I can't quite visualize how this is meant to represent the whole situation, but it is still incredibly vivid, good work on both of this line and the one below.
baskets full of raw meat bathed in blood
the silence sprawls across us / my mouth is stunned Wow, what an abrupt and stiff ending, but in a good way! I like how you cut to the quick, it shows the stark nature of the abuse you mentioned.