05-14-2017, 05:49 AM
I find this poem intensely difficult to read because of the fragmentation -- it could so easily have been iambic pentameter but it's chopped up so the aesthetic of meter is lost and the rhymes (which disappear inexplicably in the second stanza, then reappear rather badly in the third) don't work to their full potential. Also, the proportion of cliches to original phrasing is not in your favour: starry night, river flows, rolling stone, short is life (a Yoda cliche), flash in pan... and what on earth is "loud wood"?
On the other hand, there are some quite nice lines. "It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water" for example, has a good rhythm and internal rhyme. This indicates to me that you can create a pleasing feel to your poetry, so this is not a lost cause. You can even keep most of your rhymes if you think about enjambing instead of stopping dead at the end of every line. It can be worked with if you're game and willing.
On the other hand, there are some quite nice lines. "It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water" for example, has a good rhythm and internal rhyme. This indicates to me that you can create a pleasing feel to your poetry, so this is not a lost cause. You can even keep most of your rhymes if you think about enjambing instead of stopping dead at the end of every line. It can be worked with if you're game and willing.
It could be worse