05-14-2017, 10:30 AM
Hi, Wonderfullife. Welcome here.
I like your name. Life IS wonderful.
I am so thankful for it!
Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold.. Winter, cold.
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay. I would eliminate that first word.
Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good I would trade Hotel for Inn
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake. Start it "Ray of light."
A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am. Best line "Flash in the pan, is all I am" so true about life.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam.
An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms. You wrote the word honour archaically/poetically, I noticed.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm.. "Travel far."
The poem reminds me of a traveling troubadour, except the Spam could refer to computer jargon. It's good for as a baseline poem, but needs work. The narrator could also be a soldier. I would start by sharpening the punctuation and editing out a few unnecessary words.
I hope you have a blessed night.
janine
I like your name. Life IS wonderful.
I am so thankful for it!
Joe
First, travel far all day. Winter. Cold.. Winter, cold.
Then turn the corner. Find the bay. all ok.
It’s mostly mortar, bricks and water. Old.
Now night brings shadows, mist and fog; white bay. I would eliminate that first word.
Hotel is fine. eat bread; Soft bed. feel good I would trade Hotel for Inn
Protected cave. A starry night; asleep.
Full Moon; a storm blows, river flows: loud wood.
A ray of light. So, drink in day; Awake. Start it "Ray of light."
A rolling stone. Content. Yet, short is life,
And time goes. Flash in pan, is all I am. Best line "Flash in the pan, is all I am" so true about life.
A humbling thought. So, pause; feel joy; alive.
So precious. Lose so easy. Distractions. Spam.
An honour. Able to see, all nature’s forms. You wrote the word honour archaically/poetically, I noticed.
Then travel far. Lose the bay. Humble. Warm.. "Travel far."
The poem reminds me of a traveling troubadour, except the Spam could refer to computer jargon. It's good for as a baseline poem, but needs work. The narrator could also be a soldier. I would start by sharpening the punctuation and editing out a few unnecessary words.
I hope you have a blessed night.
janine
there's always a better reason to love