05-29-2017, 04:00 AM
I love the concept! My biggest critique would be that due to your want for rhyme some of the lines are weak. I like the rhyming and it makes for a lot of great lines, but on the same note, it creates some weaker ones. There has to be give and take. Even if you have a strong line, if you can't come up with a reasonable rhyming line, maybe you should let it go.
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest i feel it here
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick side note, this line seems to contain to many syllables for a smooth flow
I hug you close
And feel us stick as well as here
Warm and wet
I hear the splatter
But I'm too numb
For it to matter
Wetness spreads across my chest
Drips that haven't come to rest i feel it here
I wipe your tears
I feel your slime
For you
I'll be here every time
Plaintive eyes and burning head
Abandon thoughts of sleep and bed
No more wondering if you're sick side note, this line seems to contain to many syllables for a smooth flow
I hug you close
And feel us stick as well as here