Something about you

[ellajam]

I like the way the length of of the amble line adds to the amble and I like the additional rhyme. I feel like the original made it clearer that there are two cities, the contrast was clearer. In the edit it seems the "left behind" might apply only to the life, and due just to aging.

Edit 1

Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter's
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble
through a green golden city
in the autumn of a life
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens 
came to mind.

original (kind of) Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
As I have nothing to do but ponder
on my dawn bus ramble
through suburban byways
on the gold-grey city
long left behind -
something about it, this morning, in the gardens 
came to my mind.