06-24-2017, 11:38 AM
Hey benyamind,
I read the poem a couple times to be able to fully grasp the thoughts and feelings, esspecially that contrast, I felt you were trying to portray..
I have pondered and puzzled ocer this very concept, so it seems you have/had chosen an excellent topic to write about.
I get what people are saying about the "wordy" nature of the poem... it does at point feel as though you lead the reader off the path and through a ravine of boulders. The concepts become more difficult to navigate while the timing gets choppy, so the flow is lost (for me anyway).
I like the concept of contrasting poems or writen things in general because it makes me think, exmamine multiple perspectives. So I think you should try and re-work this rough stone. There is immense potential beauty in this material, with the right cut from a tenacious hand, the clarity will be exquisit.
My advice, comes in two suggestions,
One - decide what the two different methods, modes, or "flows" will be before you start writing too much, and try to stick to the "eb and flow" as much as possible so the reader feels like they are being, slowley yet systemically, rocked on a rocking chair - and less like they are being taken on the worlds craziest rollercoaster for their first ride ever.
Two - it felt as though in parts you struggled with expressing the broken/robotic/analytical thoughts in a way that conveyed the feelings you had. I will quote that part so you know what I am talking about;
"But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
//---> 1, 1 2, 1 2 3-4 I like this rhythm <---//
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones.
//---> 1 2, 1 2 3-4, 1 2 3 4 5 , still a workable rhythm, also I like the way you use electronics language to experss the concept of on and off. <---//
Binary. Unable to perceive two.
//---> 1(2). 1-2 3 4-5 6 this is where the nice path you started, this "thought/feeling group", falls out from under my feet and leaves the reader (me anyway) disoriented. <---//
Three.
//---> 1. And it flatlines... is that what you were going for? If not I think you could come up with a way to keep your rhythem robust, and the abstract thoughts. <---//
Four...
//---> 1... why the switch between a period and ellipses? <---//
Or the inbetweens,
Sometimes unaware of time: |//---> this group has the word
Zero. | "time", or derrivitive there - of,
No time. | in use 5 times... while repeating
Sometimes aware of Time: | a phrase or word can be usefull
One. | for emphasis, focus, etc. I would
A second." | refain from using it as 35% of a
| concept. <---//
Anyway, hope that my ramblings are helpfull for you in someway,
even though I am not educated or trained in litterary
study and pulled it all out of my butt.
I read the poem a couple times to be able to fully grasp the thoughts and feelings, esspecially that contrast, I felt you were trying to portray..
I have pondered and puzzled ocer this very concept, so it seems you have/had chosen an excellent topic to write about.
I get what people are saying about the "wordy" nature of the poem... it does at point feel as though you lead the reader off the path and through a ravine of boulders. The concepts become more difficult to navigate while the timing gets choppy, so the flow is lost (for me anyway).
I like the concept of contrasting poems or writen things in general because it makes me think, exmamine multiple perspectives. So I think you should try and re-work this rough stone. There is immense potential beauty in this material, with the right cut from a tenacious hand, the clarity will be exquisit.
My advice, comes in two suggestions,
One - decide what the two different methods, modes, or "flows" will be before you start writing too much, and try to stick to the "eb and flow" as much as possible so the reader feels like they are being, slowley yet systemically, rocked on a rocking chair - and less like they are being taken on the worlds craziest rollercoaster for their first ride ever.
Two - it felt as though in parts you struggled with expressing the broken/robotic/analytical thoughts in a way that conveyed the feelings you had. I will quote that part so you know what I am talking about;
"But, oh yes, the mind forgets.
//---> 1, 1 2, 1 2 3-4 I like this rhythm <---//
The mind and its neurons are like zeros and ones.
//---> 1 2, 1 2 3-4, 1 2 3 4 5 , still a workable rhythm, also I like the way you use electronics language to experss the concept of on and off. <---//
Binary. Unable to perceive two.
//---> 1(2). 1-2 3 4-5 6 this is where the nice path you started, this "thought/feeling group", falls out from under my feet and leaves the reader (me anyway) disoriented. <---//
Three.
//---> 1. And it flatlines... is that what you were going for? If not I think you could come up with a way to keep your rhythem robust, and the abstract thoughts. <---//
Four...
//---> 1... why the switch between a period and ellipses? <---//
Or the inbetweens,
Sometimes unaware of time: |//---> this group has the word
Zero. | "time", or derrivitive there - of,
No time. | in use 5 times... while repeating
Sometimes aware of Time: | a phrase or word can be usefull
One. | for emphasis, focus, etc. I would
A second." | refain from using it as 35% of a
| concept. <---//
Anyway, hope that my ramblings are helpfull for you in someway,
even though I am not educated or trained in litterary
study and pulled it all out of my butt.