06-25-2017, 07:22 AM
(06-02-2017, 07:21 AM)Achebe Wrote: Edit 2
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind. This sentence is a little awkward to me, mainly for the use of "with." Maybe this is more boring, but I feel like beginning with "Something about the roses..." and somehow ending with "...brought you to mind," would be more clear. I'm definitely not saying the sentence should be a straight shot with no comma - I know that would ruin the rhythm - but just a thought.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble Unless there's a deeper purpose to it I think I'd prefer "I've nothing to do" over "My thoughts have nothing to do." I can see how some might think 'thoughts' makes it more intimate, but I prefer to firmly know it is the speaker.
on a dawn bus ride I like the word amble, but it feels redundant that it comes before we're informed of the bus ride. It almost feels like reading "...but ride on a dawn bus ride."
through a fog bound city, I'm not saying you should change this back to "gold-grey," but I liked that color being in the poem. Maybe it could go somewhere in the beginning? My ear wanted "the fog" over "a fog," for some reason. Not a big deal obviously.
its blackened brick walls
left behind. This seems to be the closest thing to a pay off in this poem, but it didn't give me enough clues to feel closure, personally. The somber quality is obvious, but I left wanting a more concrete indication of the speaker's mood. Sort of how in Stopping by Woods on a Snowy Evening we eventually learn that the speaker "has promises to keep," a little detail about the what and why of the speaker's actions and mood. Here, something comes to his mind, he ambles, and then he.... I left wanting a third thing, some indicator or clue, even if very vague, about his thoughts or about the person who came to his mind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens
came to mind.
*somehow I accidentally deleted "past backyard and bramble" when I was writing this. It seemed like that should come before the bus ride, like the speaker is leaving their house? Either way I really like that line. I also like "autumn of a life left behind." Maybe it should have been rephrased instead of cut? It contains for me some of that closure I left wanting.
Edit 1
Original (kind of)