Something about you

[Keith]

Hi Achebe
I really like the atmospherics you set up here and the sense of melencholy you work into the lines, the ambuguity of something works well and lets the reader do the work, this I also like. Some minor comments on edit 2 below. Hope they help best Keith

Edit 2

Something about you
this morning, with the roses if thery are blown in the next line would rose petals work better ?
blown delicately in the early winter Line break on delicatley? then include gardens in the early winter line, to me its smoother
gardens, came to my mind. MM is a bit of a mouthfull but nice sonics? you decide.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble do you need My as repeated from previous line
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble, backyards ?
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind. love the cold and melencoly in these lines
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens This is too much for me I would cut in the gardens as we already know.
came to mind.

Edit 1

Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble
through a golden green city
in the autumn of a life
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens 
came to mind.

Original (kind of)

 
Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to
my mind.
As I have nothing to do but ponder
on my dawn bus ramble
through suburban byways
on the gold-grey city
long left behind -
something about it, this morning, in the gardens 
came to my mind.