Something about you

[ellajam]

[quote="Achebe" pid='229707' dateline='1496355696']
Edit 2

Something about you
this morning, with the roses
blown delicately in the early winter
gardens, came to my mind.
My thoughts have nothing to do but amble
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about it, this morning, in the gardens 
came to mind.



I think that the poem is perfect as it stands.   It beckons examination, but not too close; it permits, allows, encourages, requires the free association of self-reflection while also entering the mind of the author;   the text doesn't get in the way

Yet, For the sake of argument, and because the poem is being workshopped; i.e. as an exercise for criticism.   I'll make an attempt at advanced criticism.  Which means if I'm not mistaken, I'll use the poem as a basis for an independent re-write.   Like so:


Something about your heart this morning
so full of roses
that I was blown icily in the early winter
gardens

Nothing came to mind except for you - 

My thoughts holding nothing, but ambling
on a dawn bus ride
past backyard and bramble,
through a fog-bound city,
its blackened brick walls
left behind.
Something about my stroll, this morning, in the gardens 
came to mind.

We usually try not to actually rewrite each other's poems so we'll leave it up to Achebe as to whether or not this is helpful crit. ella/admin