08-07-2017, 02:52 AM
Thanks, nibbed and Lydish.
Nibbed - it's Achee-bay, I think. It' not really my name, just a nick. And yes, it's after Chinua Achebe (Lydish). I wasn't aware of the Left Behind series, it appears to be a futuristic story based on Christian mythology. I don't quite know what to make of it, it appears to be rather idiotic, unless it is meant to be ironic or purely fantastical, but I don't think its target readership understands irony. It's good that you dislike it!
Lydish - 'blow' is an archaic form of 'bloom' eg. '...and up and down the people go / gazing where the lilies blow...' (Tennyson, The Lady of Shallott). 'Blown delicately' has the assonance that I am aiming for and the syllable count is intentional. Perhaps you're reading it differently? I don't know.
On the second point - the thoughts are ambling while the thinker is on a bus. I think there is a bit of residual ambiguity in that it's not perfectly clear whether the ambling thoughts are about ("on") a bus ride rather than coming to the thinker who's on a bus ride. I think that's going to remain now.
The second last line, again, is intended to be of that length. The lines above represent a gradual contraction, and in this one there's a sudden expansion. It has a certain sonic effect. My intent is not to 'mirror' the first line, which would be a bit trite in my view.
Thanks for your detailed crit. Much appreciated.
Nibbed - it's Achee-bay, I think. It' not really my name, just a nick. And yes, it's after Chinua Achebe (Lydish). I wasn't aware of the Left Behind series, it appears to be a futuristic story based on Christian mythology. I don't quite know what to make of it, it appears to be rather idiotic, unless it is meant to be ironic or purely fantastical, but I don't think its target readership understands irony. It's good that you dislike it!
Lydish - 'blow' is an archaic form of 'bloom' eg. '...and up and down the people go / gazing where the lilies blow...' (Tennyson, The Lady of Shallott). 'Blown delicately' has the assonance that I am aiming for and the syllable count is intentional. Perhaps you're reading it differently? I don't know.
On the second point - the thoughts are ambling while the thinker is on a bus. I think there is a bit of residual ambiguity in that it's not perfectly clear whether the ambling thoughts are about ("on") a bus ride rather than coming to the thinker who's on a bus ride. I think that's going to remain now.
The second last line, again, is intended to be of that length. The lines above represent a gradual contraction, and in this one there's a sudden expansion. It has a certain sonic effect. My intent is not to 'mirror' the first line, which would be a bit trite in my view.
Thanks for your detailed crit. Much appreciated.
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe