08-08-2017, 05:02 PM
all i can do is affirm everything Leanne stated. i'd also add that one beauty/beautiful in a poem is enough, two are too many
(05-28-2017, 04:46 AM)Leanne Wrote: I really want to be encouraging, but... there's just not a lot here to work with. beautiful and lovely are synonyms, so essentially your first line reads "you are beautiful because your eyes are beautiful"... same deal for "unbelievably good" (and is it really unbelievable that someone who's supposedly so beautiful is going to look good in a dress?). And I'm going to be absolutely honest with you here: putting an LOL in the middle of a poem and admitting to not even posting the whole thing is just really bad form. Why post it at all?
Your writing is full of abstractions. And we get it, she's a pretty girl, but there's no hint of actual beauty here, no emotive attachment, no indication that you're even looking at a real woman instead of a model in a K-Mart catalogue. If you want to rewrite, I'd suggest starting with "Your eyes are..." and don't use "lovely". Use an image. What do they actually look like, remind you of, make you wish for?
Because "beauty" has been done to death, and by much more practised hands, like this:
"She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies;
And all that’s best of dark and bright
Meet in her aspect and her eyes;
Thus mellowed to that tender light
Which heaven to gaudy day denies." (Lord Byron)