08-09-2017, 01:20 PM
Hey Bernie. Im new to critiquing so hopefully you can gather something useful from my comments. to be honest, the beauty theme is a little cheesy BUT it sounds like this poem is directed at someone whom the speaker loves, and its always good to tell a lover they're beautiful. So dont worry about that part. Here are a few suggestions:
1- Mark Twain once said "substitute 'damn' everytime youre inclined to use the word 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." So, with that in mind, hyberboles like "unbelievably good" and "so pretty" sound juvenile. Try making a metaphor or similie that conveys the same idea of being extreme.
2- All but one stanza focus on physical beauty. Is that your intention? Physical beauty can sometimes be shallow, but that can still serve a meaningul purpose. What about a deeper level of beauty. It seems like you started to touch on other levels with "fearfully and wonderfully made" (which i presume is an allusion to Pslams 139:14?). Perhaps you could expand on beauty that transcends the physical.
3- On the note of the biblical reference, maybe build from that piece, which says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." How does the beauty of the poem's subject make the speaker feel? Why is this persons beauty so important?
Hope this helps and good luck!
1- Mark Twain once said "substitute 'damn' everytime youre inclined to use the word 'very'; your editor will delete it and the writing will be just as it should be." So, with that in mind, hyberboles like "unbelievably good" and "so pretty" sound juvenile. Try making a metaphor or similie that conveys the same idea of being extreme.
2- All but one stanza focus on physical beauty. Is that your intention? Physical beauty can sometimes be shallow, but that can still serve a meaningul purpose. What about a deeper level of beauty. It seems like you started to touch on other levels with "fearfully and wonderfully made" (which i presume is an allusion to Pslams 139:14?). Perhaps you could expand on beauty that transcends the physical.
3- On the note of the biblical reference, maybe build from that piece, which says "I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made." How does the beauty of the poem's subject make the speaker feel? Why is this persons beauty so important?
Hope this helps and good luck!