Third Edit: Dollar Store Blues

[billy]

i prefer the edit but think the first two lines could be more succinct.

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes works much better
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose: missed this on the first reads but if she's arrived at her purpose why the confusion on the next line, a suggestion would be to say [What was her purpose?]
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.

Hey Wjames and Billy,
Thanks for the feedback and kind words. I think I was trying too hard in the first line, so I'm happy to hear that that line isn't working.

Thanks again,
Richard