my take:
she crosses that threshold,
and farts, she's sleepwalking.
just joking.
i definitely think sleepwalking adds something, i just feel it could be a little tighter
Whenever she crosses that threshold,
and feels like she's sleepwalking. would be a suggestion though it's also fairly weak as well
how did she feel before crossing the threshold? i'd say you need two lines to set up the poem as you have,
maybe incorporate one more line to show how she switches off. turns into a zombie or golem, it's very hard for me to advise because i'd do it my way. but yes keep and modify instead of just deleting.
she crosses that threshold,
and farts, she's sleepwalking.
just joking.
i definitely think sleepwalking adds something, i just feel it could be a little tighter
Whenever she crosses that threshold,
and feels like she's sleepwalking. would be a suggestion though it's also fairly weak as well
how did she feel before crossing the threshold? i'd say you need two lines to set up the poem as you have,
maybe incorporate one more line to show how she switches off. turns into a zombie or golem, it's very hard for me to advise because i'd do it my way. but yes keep and modify instead of just deleting.