Third Edit: Dollar Store Blues

[billy]

First Edit:

Dollar Store Blues

Whenever she crosses that threshold,
she starts to feel like she's sleepwalking.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she hears an allegory
about sponges and unwanted messes this was my main piece of feedback and with just a small small edit it reads a lot better.
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need never noticed before but a suggest would be to end the line with fulfilling and move the rest down to the next line, a minor thing for you to consider
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like her husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.


Original:

Dollar Store Blues

Crossing the threshold feels somnambulistic.
In the cleaning aisle,
she swears she sees an allegory
until she is distracted by a sale for expired taffy;
so sticky and sweet, yet barely fulfilling a need
she'd rather deny exists.
She closes her eyes, allowing the fluorescent lights
to bath her like a cold shower.
Eventually, she arrives at her purpose:
Is she there to buy beans or soup?
She pretends the decision hasn't already been made
like he husband's bed.
Placing a finger against her lip,
she smells the soap she bought here a week ago.
Mechanically, she reaches for a can
and it sticks to her palm like a magnet.
Her hands smell of cheap metal as she approaches to pay.
The cashier smiles androgynously.
The cash register speaks,
the dream ends.