A conker for the nature table

[Keith]

Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown. - the position of the conker
is now on the ground, with the rhymes of -ound/own, in just the right place. S 1 flows seamlessly into  S2. Perfect.

The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.

Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. - this line has got a problem.
                                        I thought a possible solution
                                        might be:

                                      (Rain needles,
                                       sharp as sketch-book pencils,
                                       scurry shoppers along
                                       run-for-cover high streets  ?) - not sure

Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder, - I like 'shudder' under railway arch -  a train is passing above
bone deep,
on this top button day.


Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.

The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.

Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.

Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.

Thank you for the feedback wastrel, I will look at that line again I agree its not quite there yet, also really pleased you got the train shudder, its nice to know a word is interpretated just the way you ment it to be. Thanks Keith

---

Hi, Keith
I will be forced to critique in order to say what a wonderful poem this is.
I had to look up conker because I honestly didn't know what it was
strange how after finding the definition, I saw prickle shelled walnuts fallen
here and there on my travels to and fro town.
I'd never noticed them before.
Now every time I see them, I will be reminded of your beautiful poem.
Thank you for the read.


Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white                                           this reminded me of bread every time I read it, the color below
on chestnut brown.                                          made me think of split-top wheat, sorry, it's just in my head

The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse                                          not exactly sure the meaning of crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.

Rain needles,                                                     The next two stanzas, perfectly written.
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets.

Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder,
bone deep,
on this top button day.                                      I like how visual this poem is, the softened, almost sad colors, but a hint of hope, too
                                                                          and the unique personality of the speaker.



As usual, you write beautifully.

nibbed

Thank you nibbed really appreciate your considered feedback. best Keith

---

hi Kieth, solid edit,

Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped much stronger opening
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.

The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.

Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils,
scurry shoppers along,
run for cover, high streets. i know i said use a comma but i was wrong another suggestion [and i'm sorry for this] high streets, run for cover

Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull my hood up and shudder, works better.
bone deep,
on this top button day.


Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.

The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.

Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.

Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.

Thank you Billy for following this one, I will take another look at that line, I know its not working well, I might need to change the approach. Best Keith