09-30-2017, 04:21 AM 
	
	
	(09-22-2017, 11:17 PM)Keith Wrote: Edit 1
Prickled and sour sapped
I found you by the roadside,
your fall, split white i see the cracked chestnut.. and looking up conker a word i didn´t know i found the children´s game. don´t know if it´s intended that way, but i read the whole poem in this context.
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse those two lines have the feel of a flashback
as feet shuffle sound an interesting way to describe walking through fallen leaves
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils, in my read that refers to another childhood memory
scurry shoppers along, i like this line´s rhythm with the next. don´t quite get what the shoppers and the high streets want to tell me though.
run for cover, high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch
I pull up my hood and shudder, somehow i miss the "hide away" from the previous version. but that may be due to my misinterpreting the whole poem. i think shuddering was obvious even without using the word before.
bone deep,
on this top button day. nice double meaning
Original
I picked you from the curb,
prickled and sour sapped,
your fall, split white
on chestnut brown.
The ground drowns
in a crinkled collapse
as feet shuffle sound
through wind-cornered clusters.
Rain needles,
sharp as sketch book pencils.
empty out,
run for cover high streets.
Blotted damp under a railway arch.
I pull my hood up and hide away,
bone deep,
on this top button day.
...
	

 

 
