10-04-2017, 01:34 PM
I think what strikes me most about this poem is its simplicity. It leaves a lot to be questioned, but there is a familiarity that allows readers to individually conjure a corresponding image -- their own room with wood floors, their own imagined portrait of themselves + subject on the dresser, their own door through which the subject exits. I think the lack of description here works in creating the general sense of stillness, sadness, and nostalgia that aligns with the feeling of no longer understanding/knowing the intimate dynamics of a relationship you thought you once did.
My suggestion here would be to extend, extend, extend - drag out this feeling an use those line breaks! There's a lot that can be done with line breaks that may make the reader pause for a second longer and develop the emotions you are trying to convey. Right now, the poem reads pretty fast and it feels like it ends too suddenly.
As an example, this:
as stale as dust on the wooden floor
and our portrait, still on the dresser.
Reads differently from this:
as stale as dust
on the wooden floor
and our portrait,
still on the dresser.
I am in no way suggesting this is the right way, or how you would necessarily want to break it up! But it is something to think about
My suggestion here would be to extend, extend, extend - drag out this feeling an use those line breaks! There's a lot that can be done with line breaks that may make the reader pause for a second longer and develop the emotions you are trying to convey. Right now, the poem reads pretty fast and it feels like it ends too suddenly.
As an example, this:
as stale as dust on the wooden floor
and our portrait, still on the dresser.
Reads differently from this:
as stale as dust
on the wooden floor
and our portrait,
still on the dresser.
I am in no way suggesting this is the right way, or how you would necessarily want to break it up! But it is something to think about