10-23-2017, 05:37 PM
So, when you start out I'm getting old-timey, Snow White vibes. My mind immediately pictures a cabin in the woods with snow all around it.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s a beauty of a maiden with perfumed hair.
"a beauty of a maiden" feels like an awkward way to say she's a pretty girl. It feels forced, like you're adding syllables to flesh the sentence out & get to the rhyming word.
Invite her to toast her chilly derriere.
I just might take it from there.
You went from "we" to "I" — as a reader, I feel like I'm a fixture in this scene. So why forget about me in that last line?
Young thing.
I don't know why it seems weird that "Young" is capitalized but it does.
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
How is she surrendering if her hand doesn't have a ring? Why should I make that assumption?
I don't know what this means, but I like the imagery!
This is starting to feel like repetition just for the sake of repetition.
I’m a nice guy.
"Tales about your father" would make a bit more sense. Unless you mean her father is passing on a warning to you via his daughter. If so, I didn't get that at all.
To beg for a lullaby.
Why? There's a disconnect here — how does he being cute mean you need to ask for a lullaby? I feel like this is a really slick way of asking her to bed, and I like the idea, but the execution is lacking.
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move is a complete checkup.
Deposit all your troubles in this Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.
When did we get back to the 21st century? We went from perfumed hair to Dixie cups. This last stanza is my favorite, especially because it's a nice play on a commonly known pickup line. But what does playing doctor have to do with a Dixie cup?
Overall, I like it. I just think it needs to be tightened up so that it isn't so abstract/makes a bit more sense.
Cheers!
naeshelle
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: Knock, knock.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s a beauty of a maiden with perfumed hair.
"a beauty of a maiden" feels like an awkward way to say she's a pretty girl. It feels forced, like you're adding syllables to flesh the sentence out & get to the rhyming word.
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: It’s best we take her in as it’s so cold out there.
Invite her to toast her chilly derriere.
I just might take it from there.
You went from "we" to "I" — as a reader, I feel like I'm a fixture in this scene. So why forget about me in that last line?
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: Hey there,
Young thing.
I don't know why it seems weird that "Young" is capitalized but it does.
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: I just adore the hand that comes without a ring.
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
How is she surrendering if her hand doesn't have a ring? Why should I make that assumption?
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.
I don't know what this means, but I like the imagery!
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: And I just might take it from there.
This is starting to feel like repetition just for the sake of repetition.
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.
"Tales about your father" would make a bit more sense. Unless you mean her father is passing on a warning to you via his daughter. If so, I didn't get that at all.
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.
Why? There's a disconnect here — how does he being cute mean you need to ask for a lullaby? I feel like this is a really slick way of asking her to bed, and I like the idea, but the execution is lacking.
(09-16-2017, 11:10 AM)Yjack123 Wrote: What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move is a complete checkup.
Deposit all your troubles in this Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.
When did we get back to the 21st century? We went from perfumed hair to Dixie cups. This last stanza is my favorite, especially because it's a nice play on a commonly known pickup line. But what does playing doctor have to do with a Dixie cup?
Overall, I like it. I just think it needs to be tightened up so that it isn't so abstract/makes a bit more sense.
Cheers!
naeshelle