10-26-2017, 01:38 AM
Hi Yjack123.
I've no issues with rhyme,
but for me there are problems with the rhythm of the piece.
The opening is fine, but if the title is 'knock, knock'
then why have it as a first line,
just keep going straight from the title.
Here's some cut 'n' paste suggestions:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s [the beautiful] maiden with perfumed hair,
best we take her in as it’s cold out there.
Invite her to [the fire], toast her chilly derrière.
[Now if it's all the same to you]
I [will] take it from there.
I think this should be 'here', not 'there'.
Hey there,
Young thing.
[I couldn't help but notice] your hand without a ring
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
I don't think this line makes any sense
Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.
why? This (dancing) undercuts the final verse
And I just might take it from there.
I like the repetition, but shouldn't it have moved on by here - no longer 'just' but 'will' or whatever?
Also, in the first verse this line rhymed, now it doesn't and there seems to be no reason for that.
I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.
I don't think these do anything for the piece. Also, their form is entirely different.
But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.
What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move [my dear] is a complete checkup.
[Here] Deposit all your troubles in this [missing two syllables] Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.
Hope there's something you can use.
Best, Knot.
I've no issues with rhyme,
but for me there are problems with the rhythm of the piece.
The opening is fine, but if the title is 'knock, knock'
then why have it as a first line,
just keep going straight from the title.
Here's some cut 'n' paste suggestions:
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Why, it’s [the beautiful] maiden with perfumed hair,
best we take her in as it’s cold out there.
Invite her to [the fire], toast her chilly derrière.
[Now if it's all the same to you]
I [will] take it from there.
I think this should be 'here', not 'there'.
Hey there,
Young thing.
[I couldn't help but notice] your hand without a ring
You must be the damsel who's surrendering.
I don't think this line makes any sense
Follow me for dancing where the crickets all sing.
why? This (dancing) undercuts the final verse
And I just might take it from there.
I like the repetition, but shouldn't it have moved on by here - no longer 'just' but 'will' or whatever?
Also, in the first verse this line rhymed, now it doesn't and there seems to be no reason for that.
I insist you needn’t bother with the tales from your father,
I’m a nice guy.
I don't think these do anything for the piece. Also, their form is entirely different.
But you are such a cutie that it’s practically my duty,
To beg for a lullaby.
What’s up?
Buttercup.
We need to play doctor; you are burning up.
The wisest move [my dear] is a complete checkup.
[Here] Deposit all your troubles in this [missing two syllables] Dixie cup.
And I just might take it from there.
Hope there's something you can use.
Best, Knot.