The Cockroach Squirm
#4
(10-27-2017, 09:02 AM)Wjames Wrote:  Mother taught me to dance OK. Cockroaches, mothers teaching, and squirming. This is a good and interesting intro.
with her foot on my neck
and a bottle of poison
in her hand. I was imagining a cockroach mother stomping its cockroach child. The bottle of poison in its hand turns this into a "cartoony" picture. It's not an outstanding observation, but the rest of your poem is not funny- conflict in feelings conveyed.

You writhe limp towards the heels edge I don't like this shift. It confuses me. "You" is who? 
as your spine is ground to a pulp free juice
that trickles fire in your mouth
and reddens your eyes. 

I break it out at parties
when heat strobes panic
in stilted patterns towards 
the heel edge
of a bottle. You came back to first person. If there is a reason you switched from stanza to stanza, I don't understand it.
I like the originality, which is a strength you are going to impress people with. I don't like the ambiguity, though. What I understand is that you and your mother are "cockroach" people, and she turned you into a spineless alcoholic. So that leaves this "you" character open to interpretation. I would suggest tweaking stanza two a bit (in your own way, I'm not gonna come up with examples) so there is some clarification. Good poem!
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Messages In This Thread
The Cockroach Squirm - by Wjames - 10-27-2017, 09:02 AM
RE: The Cockroach Squirm - by kolemath - 10-28-2017, 03:49 AM
RE: The Cockroach Squirm - by vagabond - 10-29-2017, 08:10 AM
RE: The Cockroach Squirm - by Youi - 10-31-2017, 05:45 AM
RE: The Cockroach Squirm - by nibbed - 11-02-2017, 10:37 AM



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