11-06-2017, 07:01 AM
Hello Youi,
I think you lost some clarity in what you're trying to convey in the second edit of your poem. The first four lines are still clear to me, but the second part needs work. I have a hard time imagining what type of instrument you are describing. What is plucking the needles? What do you mean by facet?
However, I still get the idea these last four lines are about an abusive relationship, with one partner worn out from the repeated stressful demands of the other. It is just not as clear as before.
It is good that you are trying to avoid cliches in your poetry, but my advice is to not sacrifice clarity for it.
I think you lost some clarity in what you're trying to convey in the second edit of your poem. The first four lines are still clear to me, but the second part needs work. I have a hard time imagining what type of instrument you are describing. What is plucking the needles? What do you mean by facet?
However, I still get the idea these last four lines are about an abusive relationship, with one partner worn out from the repeated stressful demands of the other. It is just not as clear as before.
It is good that you are trying to avoid cliches in your poetry, but my advice is to not sacrifice clarity for it.