11-28-2017, 11:49 AM 
	
	
	(11-28-2017, 07:42 AM)nibbed Wrote: Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman
PMS,
and what that sage said -- this line feels clunky to me. Perhaps consider "and the words of the sage"?
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:
"I have 4 boys, -- I like this link of $4 to 4 boys
and they can fight,
almost kill each other, -- for the sake of sound, maybe you'd replace "almost" with "nearly"?
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like -- I think you could get rid of "and it was", just go to "like it never happened"
it never happened.
My girls, now -- this line needs punctuation -- either a comma or better yet, a colon -- I think a colon would address the issue of sounding a bit too run-on, considering there's a natural pause there
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."
Don't be askin' me -- the dropping of the g stands out here and I'm not convinced it's in a good way -- also, is this back to the speaker who bought the cake? It seems like we've missed a bit
to pull from this attic
albums showing any -- this line break seems arbitrary and unneeded
more
gristle wrestling, -- there's not really any need for a stanza break here, except to keep the line numbers uniform, and I'm not sure that's a good enough reason in a piece of freeverse
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.
It could be worse
	

 

