Why We Should be Glad
#3
(11-28-2017, 07:42 AM)nibbed Wrote:  Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman




PMS,

and what that sage said -- this line feels clunky to me.  Perhaps consider "and the words of the sage"?
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys, -- I like this link of $4 to 4 boys 
and they can fight,
almost kill each other, -- for the sake of sound, maybe you'd replace "almost" with "nearly"?
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like -- I think you could get rid of "and it was", just go to "like it never happened"
it never happened.

My girls, now -- this line needs punctuation -- either a comma or better yet, a colon -- I think a colon would address the issue of sounding a bit too run-on, considering there's a natural pause there
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

Don't be askin' me -- the dropping of the g stands out here and I'm not convinced it's in a good way -- also, is this back to the speaker who bought the cake?  It seems like we've missed a bit
to pull from this attic
albums showing any -- this line break seems arbitrary and unneeded 
more

gristle wrestling, -- there's not really any need for a stanza break here, except to keep the line numbers uniform, and I'm not sure that's a good enough reason in a piece of freeverse 
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.
It could be worse
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Messages In This Thread
Why We Should be Glad - by nibbed - 11-28-2017, 07:42 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by shemthepenman - 11-28-2017, 08:21 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by nibbed - 11-28-2017, 12:46 PM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by Leanne - 11-28-2017, 11:49 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by nibbed - 11-29-2017, 01:01 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by Leanne - 11-29-2017, 06:13 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by Achebe - 11-29-2017, 06:43 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by nibbed - 11-29-2017, 07:15 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by shemthepenman - 11-29-2017, 08:28 AM
RE: Why We Should be Glad - by Knot - 11-30-2017, 12:23 AM



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