Why We Should be Glad

[nibbed]

hello Nibbed,

just a few comments:

Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman



PMS, —so, i entirely dislike this, seemingly popular, device of making the title of a poem grammatically and necessarily connected to the first line of the poem. it’s just amateurish and lazy.                          -that's how I feel about all caps beginning sentences, sometimes.

and what that sage said
that sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:                  —this detail is really good.

"I have 4 boys,
and they can fight,
almost kill each other,
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like
it never happened.

My girls, now
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget." —i wonder if this wouldn’t be better written in full sentences and not verse. i personally don’t think the enjambments are necessary or justified.                                                                                                         I'm going to see how to work that out.
                                                                                                                          I'm stuck in a certain style. It feels like home for some reason.
Don't be askin' me
to pull from this attic
albums showing any
those

gristle wrestling,
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either. —i like these last two stanzas very much. they would work as their own poem. etc. 

despite the premise of this poem seemingly having been beamed here from a 1970s sitcom, i actually really like its use of language and style. if only you could put some of that creative energy into something more contemporary and progressive. maybe your next poem could be about “why we should be glad God’s gender fluid”.

I'm not sure I can handle contemporary or progressive in either poetry or painting. I may try painting first. No, we'll leave the gender fluid to someone who believes in it. hahaha. I thank you very much for taking time to critique. I was feeling giggly and goofy when I wrote. The poem was based on an actual encounter with a sweet older lady who was selling angel food cake in an open marketplace. The subject of forgiveness came up and I was reminded of it today and the whole of it struck me funny. I'm thankful for God's attributes and that they aren't always like our own. Thanks again, Shem. Have a great night. <3

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Why We Should be Glad
God isn't a Woman



PMS,

and what that sage said -- this line feels clunky to me.  Perhaps consider "and the words of the sage"?
who sold me
her angel food cake
for $4:

"I have 4 boys, -- I like this link of $4 to 4 boys 
and they can fight,
almost kill each other, -- for the sake of sound, maybe you'd replace "almost" with "nearly"? that does sound nicer, thanks
but the next day
it's a new day
and it was like -- I think you could get rid of "and it was", just go to "like it never happened" yes, that might be better
it never happened.

My girls, now -- this line needs punctuation -- either a comma or better yet, a colon -- I think a colon would address the issue of sounding a bit too run-on, considering there's a natural pause there    this will be worked on
that's another thing.
They never forgive
and they don't forget."

Don't be askin' me -- the dropping of the g stands out here and I'm not convinced it's in a good way -- also, is this back to the speaker who bought the cake?  It seems like we've missed a bit  I just assumed it would be caught that the speaker is a woman.
to pull from this attic
albums showing any -- this line break seems arbitrary and unneeded 
more

gristle wrestling, -- there's not really any need for a stanza break here, except to keep the line numbers uniform, and I'm not sure that's a good enough reason in a piece of freeverse I'm feeling too comfortable doing this. Thanks for the reminder.
envy-gossiped
hag fests, either.

thank you, Leanne for the thoughtful critique. I will have to try
to work it through, somehow. Hope your night is wonderful.


nibbed

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It was a good critique from Shem. Look at the forest ignore the individual trees and consider it holistically. While I have a different view on enjambment, the use of titles, etc. that doesn't make Shem's position wrong. He clearly stated it as an opinion. I would not have read that and thought: Shem is calling me a stupid moron. I've been on sites where the critique is harsh--this isn't harsh. We can differ on that but I don't see it as an attack on the poet.

If he had written: Janine, this poem is shit and that's because you're lazy and don't have the ability to do better--that would be one thing. I don't see that here. He was actually pretty encouraging. Telling someone that their poem is crap can be really helpful. If everyone dances around strong words you cost the poet years of development.

Nothing I would have seen as a problem.

Hi, Todd. Maybe I am missing something, have I complained about Shem's critique?
Did I appear offended or hurt by it?
I never said Shem's position on titles was wrong. It's his position, I'm thankful he shared.
Titles used in such a way can have a tendency to gleam in cheese, I understand what he's saying.
I don't know where you are coming from with this comment, though.
Yes, it was a good critique.
I hope he keeps critiquing.
Your whole comment is confusing to me...

all the best

nibbed