11-29-2017, 06:43 AM
Hello nibbled
Line breaks correspond to pauses: this can be because of three reasons - the reader needs to pause and think on the last line, the pause creates rhythm, or because you deliberately want to withhold information till the next line. The last is for when you have something clever or interesting up your sleeve.
I think in the first version you had line breaks that weren’t needed for any of the above reasons.
The second version looks better, but IMO:
L7: the break on day/like didn’t need to be removed
L9: would prefer a line break after forgive
On the other hand, the line break after “gristle wrestling” looks pointless
Nice poem brw
Line breaks correspond to pauses: this can be because of three reasons - the reader needs to pause and think on the last line, the pause creates rhythm, or because you deliberately want to withhold information till the next line. The last is for when you have something clever or interesting up your sleeve.
I think in the first version you had line breaks that weren’t needed for any of the above reasons.
The second version looks better, but IMO:
L7: the break on day/like didn’t need to be removed
L9: would prefer a line break after forgive
On the other hand, the line break after “gristle wrestling” looks pointless
Nice poem brw
~ I think I just quoted myself - Achebe