12-08-2017, 09:00 AM
As time falls
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot. --- like the opening, riot is an interesting word choice. it catches me off guard. but is that what you wanted?
Awake some early morning,
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass. --- feels like there should be one or two more lines here to flush out this thought/feeling.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows. ---- perhaps adding a few more words will add to the flow and round out the simile.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. --- love the first two lines here. I'd suggest changing the word "mass". think there might be a better option here.
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder, --- a bit incoherent here.
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey. --- last section ties it together nicely. since title is grey, maybe you don't need to use that word here and let the "feeling" of grey speak for itself and in the title rather than explicitly stating it.
Overall, nice!!!
so slowly
and snow outside
drifts softly,
I sit with you-
so quiet.
This silence is a riot. --- like the opening, riot is an interesting word choice. it catches me off guard. but is that what you wanted?
Awake some early morning,
dull and entranced,
I await the storm
behind the cold,
hard glass. --- feels like there should be one or two more lines here to flush out this thought/feeling.
Scattered on the window,
ice has grown
so life-like
in the dim glow
of a street light,
cracking as the wind blows. ---- perhaps adding a few more words will add to the flow and round out the simile.
You gaze in my direction,
eyes of fire reflection-
I breathe
on the glass
watching snow engulf mass. --- love the first two lines here. I'd suggest changing the word "mass". think there might be a better option here.
Wisps in shadows
from a howling thunder, --- a bit incoherent here.
distant on horizons,
clash with sudden lightning.
While time
falls slowly
and you stare,
so lonely,
I look away.
Everything is grey. --- last section ties it together nicely. since title is grey, maybe you don't need to use that word here and let the "feeling" of grey speak for itself and in the title rather than explicitly stating it.
Overall, nice!!!