God, not me

[rollingbrianjones]

I think this one does as you intend. Message is communicated easily enough; it's easy to read - but I find the words/purpose/intentions of the God of the poem somewhat convoluted.


God, not me


When grief
was the overload, loved this opening, reminded me of Joy Division for some reason! I like the use of grief and overload, I kinda hope the grief isn't over a death as it is far more clever if used due to some other occurrence. Sways to the obvious if about a death.

His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working this image can be improved... his cloud could shield you, conceal you - but care for you? Perhaps he could care for you, but using the medium of a cloud I'm not so sure about.

even the secret
world of another's deceit

into terrible revelation
of love and hate; 
Love these 4 lines as written, adds a human dimension to the poem, though again doesn't fit the previous cloud image for me. A sun for example shines light on the world of another's deceit, moon pours light on deceit at night/in the dark, to demonstrate basic alternatives.

He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping (painting suggests the smile isn't genuine, not sure if intentional but you seem pretty consistently pro-God elsewhere, so I wonder if this is the right image)
this heart from fainting. 
The sentiment here is positive compared to the rest, maybe try to enforce this by describing positive action rather than avoiding a negative? I mean rather than "keeping the heart from fainting" (merely avoiding a negative) why not say what it keeps it doing? I also wonder if you'd consider keeping the first person describing your heart... "keeping // my heart pulsating"  

It's harder to pick
bones with God, so

dysfunction remains blind
to the greater

                                                     hidden

more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.

I think that you, perhaps unintentionally, do a fair job picking bones with God in this very poem.