God, not me

[nibbed]

I think this one does as you intend. Message is communicated easily enough; it's easy to read - but I find the words/purpose/intentions of the God of the poem somewhat convoluted.


God, not me


When grief
was the overload, loved this opening, reminded me of Joy Division for some reason! I like the use of grief and overload, I kinda hope the grief isn't over a death as it is far more clever if used due to some other occurrence. Sways to the obvious if about a death.

His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working this image can be improved... his cloud could shield you, conceal you - but care for you? Perhaps he could care for you, but using the medium of a cloud I'm not so sure about.

even the secret
world of another's deceit

into terrible revelation
of love and hate; 
Love these 4 lines as written, adds a human dimension to the poem, though again doesn't fit the previous cloud image for me. A sun for example shines light on the world of another's deceit, moon pours light on deceit at night/in the dark, to demonstrate basic alternatives.

He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping (painting suggests the smile isn't genuine, not sure if intentional but you seem pretty consistently pro-God elsewhere, so I wonder if this is the right image)
this heart from fainting. 
The sentiment here is positive compared to the rest, maybe try to enforce this by describing positive action rather than avoiding a negative? I mean rather than "keeping the heart from fainting" (merely avoiding a negative) why not say what it keeps it doing? I also wonder if you'd consider keeping the first person describing your heart... "keeping // my heart pulsating"  

It's harder to pick
bones with God, so

dysfunction remains blind
to the greater

                                                     hidden

more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.

I think that you, perhaps unintentionally, do a fair job picking bones with God in this very poem.

Hello rollingbrianjones

Thank you for considering my poem to look over, another I have shuffled away in a file somewhere thinking I had finished it, but I may have to look it over again and see where it can be improved.

Yes, it was about death. Whenever I suffer grief, and I've had my share of it...I get placed in a cloud. No one else can see it, but it is a real cloud. I want to say it's a force field, but that sounds too sci-fi and weird, besides, it's well, a cloud. It's warm and safe because it's God's cloud. In times of grief when the cloud "happens" it directs me and helps me to function beyond all the sadness and loss. It pushes me to do life's doings, chores, responsibilities. He just sort of takes over, blocking me from too much of this or that, protecting me from self-harm or vulnerability, caring for me in ways I cannot care for myself. When in the cloud, others can't see it or even know I'm standing in one. I appear strong and bright, fully together, but that is the Lord walking me through, it's His strength, because at the time, I was so weak and should have fainted in my heart or collapsed or just curled up. His cloud wouldn't let me, it was gentle and calming, comforting. God sends His Comforter.

Yes, you are right, the smile was and was not one on my face, one that helped me be cordial through the storm, but also one that brightened my day, on a publication that had a smile printed on the cover. So yes, it was a sort of painting, an illustration. It helped me in some work I was doing and it encouraged me and pushed me through, giving me hope and joy.

I really can't pick bones with God. He's God. I don't know how anyone could really question Him. He's too perfect to find any fault in at all. He's made the whole beauty of Creation and every lovely person who lives. Only once I got angry at him, years ago, but it didn't count, it was a misunderstanding. I asked forgiveness and He forgave me.

I really like what you said about reinforcing the sentiment. I will need to look that over and see if I can do it or not, that is a very good point!

Thank you so much for considering my poem to critique.

-nibbed