7-3-17

[alonso ramoran]

Hey JmLA, pretty good first draft. Some thoughts below.

(Poem not yet titled)

No words to write nor thoughts to sing. Maybe omit this first line and jump right into it.
My mind is numbed by the pillows No "the" needed.
Of soft pine beneath my unwithered boots.


I bought them six years ago- Two dashes for an em dash
Hoped for an excuse to buy a new pair by now, but no. I don't see the need for this stanza.


Needles laying at the base of what was once
Their livelihood. Are they paying homage,
Or perhaps begging at the roots
For one more shot at being? I like this stanza


Simply being, for I don’t really know
What their purpose is in the first place. I don't feel like this stanza is needed. You do your job at showing your uncertainty when you questioned the purpose of the pine needles in the previous stanza. This meanders, in my opinion.


Soft pine beneath my unwithered boots…
Time to time, roots interrupt the sensation of floatation,
and the inconsistency makes me sad. Is this a meta reference to the capitalization of words you begin the lines with in the poem?
But only for a moment. I feel like it is at this point.


Scuffing the sap from the roots of the spruce Too many "the's"
Sends scent into the air. This phrasing sounds awkward to my ears. I think it's the alliteration maybe sounding forced. Maybe find a synonym for either "send" or "scent"
And should my memory go blind,
Nostalgia's nose will let it linger forever-
And for that, I am grateful. 

To be honest, I didn't even notice the capitalization of your lines until I got further into the poem, which is a good thing. I gotta question why you went for this style though. Overall, it was a good read, thank you and good luck with the revisions.