01-16-2018, 02:25 AM
Hi ADU,
I like the opening; economical scene setting and dialogue
(though I would like to know how the 'bust' ended).
Then, you switched to the first person and I got lost.
Some thoughts.
The odor of burning marijuana
I'd suggest breaking the line here, if only for appearances.
reeks from a room at the Days Inn
This is a bit bland. I think you might improve it
simply by providing a room number.
Two cops were on the scene, pure coincidence
They knock on the door,
You might tighten this to;
Pure coincidence, two cops
on the scene, knock
on the door.
(Slight issue, for me, with two 'on's in proximity)
"Who is it?"
"It's the Bowling Green Police on a routine visit"
Similarly, here you go 'it? It's' -
Perhaps try;
"Who is it?"
"Bowling Green Police [Ma'am/Sir],
just a routine visit"
No reply, only a quiet "hush"
I think you could provide a bit more here,
even an incoherent sentence as the
speaker tries to address both the cops
and whoever else is in the room.
Followed by the sound of a toilet flush
Again, purely for appearances,
I'd suggest leaving a line here.
Let the reader fill in the silence
and imply the passage of time.
Now the door opens,
How does the door open?
Hesitantly? Confidently? ...
It ain't hard to tell what they been smoking,
You've already told the reader
what they've been smoking
(in the first line) so this adds nothing.
I'd be interested in a description
(just a word or two) as to who
opens the door.
But that ain't all, something's odd
I don't think you can justify this line.
A suspicious bag gave em probable cause
Where was the bag? How wide was the door
open? How much of the room could the cops see?
The cops bust in, what'ya know?
Looked under the bed and found a bag of coke
So is this the same bag as the 'suspicious' one?
If so, why did the cops have to 'look' under the bed?
Now in the nightstand, they found a stash of heroin
Do you need 'now'?
(There doesn't seem to be much of a pay off
to this section)
Why the switch from third to first person?
I ain't spitting fiction, Read this in the Daily News
Is this the actual name of the paper,
it just sounds rather generic after Days Inn?
(Overall I think the piece suffers from a lack of detail,
both geographic, this could be anywhere, and more generally.
For instance, were the dealers black/white/male/female/etc.?)
Only last weekend
I bet you think it's an isolated incident,
But pay attention and the issue's evident
Underneath the guise of regularity,
Bowling Green has a side that I find scary
Every day more drugs pass through
It's like an epidemic
Heroin is spreading like the common flu
I know this for a fact,
Not sure what any of this has to do with the 'Inn' scene.
Yet another change,
and this one feels like an entirely separate piece.
Just six years ago I lived with my mom,
and she was addicted to crack
Yet there's rarely an arrest
Man, are the cops taking a rest?
The problem for me is that you open
the piece with an arrest.
The cops were clearly working.
Off the top of my head
There were about 8 bank robberies last year
All of em unsolved, do ya'll even want my respect?
Not sure who 'ya'll' are, or who 'you' are.
(This may well work in performance,
but I don't think it does on the page)
This town may not have a ghetto
But drugs and violence are here, it shows
Everybody can keep living blind,
Act like your problems aren't mine,
But this has gone on too long and it's just a matter of time
Before more of em wise up and realize
Bowling Green, Ky is a low life's paradise
Bit of a weak ending, which, I suspect,
will be misread as 'gangster paradise'.
I like the scene you set with the accidental drugs bust at the Inn.
and I think if you developed it, contrasting the comedic with the tragic,
you could use it to make the social commentary as well,
For instance, could you connect the 'odor of burning marijuana'
to 'I lived with my mom'?
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.
I like the opening; economical scene setting and dialogue
(though I would like to know how the 'bust' ended).
Then, you switched to the first person and I got lost.
Some thoughts.
The odor of burning marijuana
I'd suggest breaking the line here, if only for appearances.
reeks from a room at the Days Inn
This is a bit bland. I think you might improve it
simply by providing a room number.
Two cops were on the scene, pure coincidence
They knock on the door,
You might tighten this to;
Pure coincidence, two cops
on the scene, knock
on the door.
(Slight issue, for me, with two 'on's in proximity)
"Who is it?"
"It's the Bowling Green Police on a routine visit"
Similarly, here you go 'it? It's' -
Perhaps try;
"Who is it?"
"Bowling Green Police [Ma'am/Sir],
just a routine visit"
No reply, only a quiet "hush"
I think you could provide a bit more here,
even an incoherent sentence as the
speaker tries to address both the cops
and whoever else is in the room.
Followed by the sound of a toilet flush
Again, purely for appearances,
I'd suggest leaving a line here.
Let the reader fill in the silence
and imply the passage of time.
Now the door opens,
How does the door open?
Hesitantly? Confidently? ...
It ain't hard to tell what they been smoking,
You've already told the reader
what they've been smoking
(in the first line) so this adds nothing.
I'd be interested in a description
(just a word or two) as to who
opens the door.
But that ain't all, something's odd
I don't think you can justify this line.
A suspicious bag gave em probable cause
Where was the bag? How wide was the door
open? How much of the room could the cops see?
The cops bust in, what'ya know?
Looked under the bed and found a bag of coke
So is this the same bag as the 'suspicious' one?
If so, why did the cops have to 'look' under the bed?
Now in the nightstand, they found a stash of heroin
Do you need 'now'?
(There doesn't seem to be much of a pay off
to this section)
Why the switch from third to first person?
I ain't spitting fiction, Read this in the Daily News
Is this the actual name of the paper,
it just sounds rather generic after Days Inn?
(Overall I think the piece suffers from a lack of detail,
both geographic, this could be anywhere, and more generally.
For instance, were the dealers black/white/male/female/etc.?)
Only last weekend
I bet you think it's an isolated incident,
But pay attention and the issue's evident
Underneath the guise of regularity,
Bowling Green has a side that I find scary
Every day more drugs pass through
It's like an epidemic
Heroin is spreading like the common flu
I know this for a fact,
Not sure what any of this has to do with the 'Inn' scene.
Yet another change,
and this one feels like an entirely separate piece.
Just six years ago I lived with my mom,
and she was addicted to crack
Yet there's rarely an arrest
Man, are the cops taking a rest?
The problem for me is that you open
the piece with an arrest.
The cops were clearly working.
Off the top of my head
There were about 8 bank robberies last year
All of em unsolved, do ya'll even want my respect?
Not sure who 'ya'll' are, or who 'you' are.
(This may well work in performance,
but I don't think it does on the page)
This town may not have a ghetto
But drugs and violence are here, it shows
Everybody can keep living blind,
Act like your problems aren't mine,
But this has gone on too long and it's just a matter of time
Before more of em wise up and realize
Bowling Green, Ky is a low life's paradise
Bit of a weak ending, which, I suspect,
will be misread as 'gangster paradise'.
I like the scene you set with the accidental drugs bust at the Inn.
and I think if you developed it, contrasting the comedic with the tragic,
you could use it to make the social commentary as well,
For instance, could you connect the 'odor of burning marijuana'
to 'I lived with my mom'?
Hope this helps.
Best, Knot.