God, not me

[tectak]

First Revision


God, not me


When grief
was the overload,

His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working

even the secret
world of another's deceit

into terrible revelation
of love and hate;

He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.

It's harder to pick
bones with God, so

dysfunction remains blind
to the greater

                                                     hidden

more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.








original

God, not me

When grief
was the overload

in a cloud

He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;

all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.

It's harder to pick bones
with God,

so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead.

Hi nibbed, 
 please do not hate me for saying this but poems "like" this are tainted by religiosity BECAUSE they make more of a thing about some god or other and less about the relationship that the character has with the expressed sentiment...it is a cop out disguised as a dogma wrapped in a cliche. OK....do you hate me yet? Hope not...because this is in basic crit and basically you have written a religious eulogy to a god but without the benefit of third party isolation...what IS the old fool going on about? well...look at it this way :

When grief
is the overload,

His cloud of comfort
will care for you, working 

even the secret 
world of another's deceit

into terrible revelation
of love and hate;

He will  deaden your pain 
by painting a smile, keeping 
your heart from fainting.

Thou shall't not  pick 
bones with God, so 

your dysfunction will remain blind 
to the greater 

                                                     hidden 

more profitable things,
which will always be
out of your hands,
and into His.

 Amen

See what I mean?
Best, 
tectak

---

First Revision


God, not me


When grief
was the overload,

His cloud of comfort
cared for me, working

even the secret
world of another's deceit

into terrible revelation
of love and hate;

He deadened my pain
by painting a smile, keeping
this heart from fainting.

It's harder to pick
bones with God, so

dysfunction remains blind
to the greater

                                                     hidden

more profitable things,
which have always remained
out of my hands,
and into His.








original

God, not me

When grief
was the overload

in a cloud

He met
lies with lies,
deceit with deceit;

all the while
He deadened pain
by painting a smile
to keep a heart
from crumbling.

It's harder to pick bones
with God,

so dysfunction
chooses the weakest,
instead.

Hi nibbed, 
 please do not hate me for saying this but poems "like" this are tainted by religiosity BECAUSE they make more of a thing about some god or other and less about the relationship that the character has with the expressed sentiment...it is a cop out disguised as a dogma wrapped in a cliche. OK....do you hate me yet? Hope not...because this is in basic crit and basically you have written a religious eulogy to a god but without the benefit of third party isolation...what IS the old fool going on about? well...look at it this way :

When grief
is the overload,

His cloud of comfort
will care for you, working 

even the secret 
world of another's deceit

into terrible revelation
of love and hate;

He will  deaden your pain 
by painting a smile, keeping 
your heart from fainting.

Thou shall't not  pick 
bones with God, so 

your dysfunction will remain blind 
to the greater 

                                                     hidden 

more profitable things,
which will always be
out of your hands,
and into His.

 Amen

See what I mean?
Best, 
tectak