Leviathan

[xyroph]

Thank you for your feedback. The "editor" muscle is one that I've, quite apparently, never really flexed. Do you think it would do to split it into two separate pieces after heavily purging the repetition/cliches?

I'd love to take it to a face-to-face writing group but honestly, I feel more like I'm inflicting it on people than sharing it with people.

Thanks for your time and your thoughts.

Hi xyroph.
It is very overwritten, feels repetitive, rhymes
then doesn't rhyme, the narratives get tangled
and the metaphors seem to be at war.
Basically, I'm confused.
That said, there were some lines/ideas I liked a lot:
cold blooded creatures
Insidious truth-speakers

Alone with a girl
whose grief would kill them

perfect monsters in their majesty.

And beneath the surface, cold blooded creatures
Insidious truth-speakers
threatened to break the surface.

So, I gathered up the pieces
And I made myself a crown
The queen of all the creatures
That the darkness couldn’t drown

these stood out for me.
But they were outweighed by things like;

Adrift, unmoored, the dead of night made lively by ocean waters
Either 'adrift' or 'unmoored', not both.
Do you need the 'dead of' cliché?
Dead and lively juxtaposition doesn't entertain.

looming beyond the chilled fog.
fog is by definition 'chilled'.

And in my wandering, found a living, breathing boy
Immediately conjures up Pinocchioo, sorry.
Also, first adrift/unmoored, now wandering, which is it?


I think your canvas is too large, consequently
the story and it's emotional content get lost,
both in the space and through the repetitions.
Find your inner editor.

Best, Knot.