Musings at the Eve of Noon

[poetkitten]

Musings at the Eve of Noon

I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday. -I feel like these sentences are slightly too long, but especially this one. If you split it into different lines it would make a break for the reader. I also understand the importance of 11:45 for the end of the poem, however perhaps you could find another way of showing this as it seems to break flow slightly. [b]I personally would break it after female and after yard and cut 11:45 on Tuesday (and find another way) but that's just me, I write in very short lines. One idea is to use the sun, e.g 'It was almost high in the sky'[/b]
Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was girl or woman. -*a (girl/woman). I also think you should drop the 'quite' 

Her blackbrown hair stands in contrast with the world around her -I like this line, it has good flow and creates an image in our head
She looks maybe 18 21 or    28 with that oldyoung sort of quality -I'm not sure if you meant to do the space here by 28, but if you are I'm not quite getting it...
                                                               [that shifts along the shadows of the face.]
Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center -I think this could be more effective if you put a , by 'greyblue' and start a new line 
                         like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] -These brackets confused me, which would disrupt the reading while the reader tried to figure it out. It's mainly the 'but'. Brackets are meant to be readable without reading the text inside, but it is helpful to read them. Since the 'but', it seems like there is more (and not the brackets) so we begin to wonder if it is continued to the next line, but that doesn't make sense. I would drop the 'but'.
Shes wearing a dark purple turtleneck
                                       her favorite perhaps
And black jeans that hug her warmly at the Hip -capital letter? I see you have them later, it's just makes the reader stop to wonder why it's there
About her is a vigor that i havent seen for 7 years-* '

-- -- -- [The last breath of morning wind brushes past me.]

I wonder what she knows of Sex
Does she like girls or Men or boys or Women or both or inbetween
              or all at once!
I wonder if she likes it Hard     from behind or
Would she prefer to be treated like a virgin flower
With all that love and romance and candles the     fluff between the panting
                         i guess that might be nice again -* I
                                      for a little while
Or does she even think of sex     perhaps it doesn't interest her
                          women don't muse on this like men
            but
                          the twentyfirst century!
Maybe all she thinks of it is from those books with that Fabian male on the cover

                                                    ...

I wonder if she minds about the size of a mans penis
              i shouldn't think of that! -* I

-- -- -- [Some sharp pang tickles up my thigh into my chest.]

Is she kind or would she not give the time to consider me
I wonder what she likes or
                                      all those other boring thingsyouaskaboutwhenyoufirststartdating
Would my interests interest her
What are her friends like
                           are they just as attractive
Would they like me or would i like them or -* I
Does she even have them or
              does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet - Just feel like this is missing the word 'way', or something similar. It doesn't see, to make sense. If it's separated, it reads 'does she hide herself away in a sad sort of quiet'
              what does she do when I'm not there
Was she brought up christian and is she still or
Is she Heathen and what made her so
Was it a long journey through the grim and grime like me or does she rather just not bother
                         about god and things like that -* God
             ...         would she share that if i asked? -* I

-- -- -- [The almost noon sun hits my eye and ends my musings.]

It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her. -Interesting ending! A plot twist if you will. I think this poem has a good moral to it. However, the fact that this poem is here shows that the persona was thinking about this other girl, even after going home and writing a poem about his wife. It's like the persona was trying to cover up his wrongness with poems about his wife. Good.

These are just some thoughts, 
I hope they helped