Musings at the Eve of Noon

[Writerbyfire]

Musings at the Eve of Noon

I met a female amid a grassy yard at 11:45 on Tuesday. -I feel like these sentences are slightly too long, but especially this one. If you split it into different lines it would make a break for the reader.

I think you're right. The first and last 2 lines are standard lines rather than stream of consciousness and I think that more traditional even maybe metered lines might better differentiate that.

Female for example, because I couldn't quite tell if she was girl or woman. -*a (girl/woman). I also think you should drop the 'quite' 

Yup there should be an 'a' there. quite wasn't there in the first draft and I think you're right given the matter of fact nature of the lines.

She looks maybe 18 21 or    28 with that oldyoung sort of quality -I'm not sure if you meant to do the space here by 28, but if you are I'm not quite getting it...

All of the spacing is supposed to give a sense of timing and disjointed thought since the use and absence of punctuation doesn't serve the purpose of punctuation. It's useful though to know if that stuff is conveyed. The form is probably the 

Her eyes are greyblue like a sky with a sun bursting from their center -I think this could be more effective if you put a , by 'greyblue' and start a new line 

Her eyes are greyblue 
               like a sky with a sun bursting from their center  
                               like clearest day but 
                               [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] - thoughts?

                         like clearest day but [blinding enough to prevent the seeing past them.] -These brackets confused me, which would disrupt the reading while the reader tried to figure it out. It's mainly the 'but'. Brackets are meant to be readable without reading the text inside, but it is helpful to read them. 

The brackets I think are the easiest bit of form to get rid of They're supposed to draw attention to things added or conceptualized outside the stream of consciousness. But given that I already worry that the poem is already too crowded it might be worth it to remove them. What do you mean by "Brackets are meant to be readable without reading the text inside. My thinking was reference to the edit of quotation or context added by an editor. If it has specific meaning I'm unaware of then that would take precedence.

              does she hide herself away in a sadsortofquiet - Just feel like this is missing the word 'way', or something similar. It doesn't see, to make sense. If it's separated, it reads 'does she hide herself away in a sad sort of quiet'

I.e. 'sadsortofway' ?

These are just some thoughts, 
I hope they helped

I appreciate all the comments. There's a lot I want to ask but that might ruin future objective criticism. Still super helpful. I will promise the capitalization and grammar are intended. I was a pain having to go back and undo spell check.   It's all insight into how the reader interprets it though so thanks.