02-24-2018, 07:20 AM
It was just a single moment while I passed; that left me none the wiser.
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her.
While the formatting and the way this piece has been constructed is interesting to look at first glimpse and also on further reading I would argue that the impact of the way the piece is structured negates the stream of consciousness feel to the work which consequently makes reading it awkward and a little to stop start. I would suggest that what you are trying to achieve with the structuring of the poem could be also achieved by formatting it in a more traditional manner and focusing on the way in which you use language and tempo to convey what you are trying to say. In a round about way, what I am trying to say is that I think what you want to create is a sense of spontaneity (you’ve just seen this girl/woman and she has clearly elicited something immediate from you) and by structuring the piece in the way you have, you create something that feels contrived rather than impulsive. That being said I like the work, I also like the experimentation with structure I just feel that it would be better suited elsewhere if that make sense?
At any rate you can ignore me so no biggy
Johnny
So I drove home to my wife, at noon on Tuesday, and wrote a poem about her.
While the formatting and the way this piece has been constructed is interesting to look at first glimpse and also on further reading I would argue that the impact of the way the piece is structured negates the stream of consciousness feel to the work which consequently makes reading it awkward and a little to stop start. I would suggest that what you are trying to achieve with the structuring of the poem could be also achieved by formatting it in a more traditional manner and focusing on the way in which you use language and tempo to convey what you are trying to say. In a round about way, what I am trying to say is that I think what you want to create is a sense of spontaneity (you’ve just seen this girl/woman and she has clearly elicited something immediate from you) and by structuring the piece in the way you have, you create something that feels contrived rather than impulsive. That being said I like the work, I also like the experimentation with structure I just feel that it would be better suited elsewhere if that make sense?
At any rate you can ignore me so no biggy
Johnny