04-08-2018, 02:33 AM
Hi River.
S1: I think this verse is overwritten.
Three 'there's the...' which don't resolve.
L5 seems to me to be a much stronger opening line.
(pitted darkness is pretty good).
I'm assuming 'lobat' is low battery? If so
who says it?
S2: To what purpose does N 'mingle memories
with dreams'? Or is he/she just confused?
Too many repetitions of 'her'.
S3: I think 'watch' could be deleted to
avoid the confusion of how N watches
a foreign tongue. Maybe just simplify slightly.
'the world passing us by' is disappointing.
S4: (Hineni - might make for a better title ?)
Is there any way to move Boracay closer
to the start? By this time I've imagined a
location and then reading this is like being
told I was wrong, and throws me out of the
piece.
Best, Knot.
S1: I think this verse is overwritten.
Three 'there's the...' which don't resolve.
L5 seems to me to be a much stronger opening line.
(pitted darkness is pretty good).
I'm assuming 'lobat' is low battery? If so
who says it?
S2: To what purpose does N 'mingle memories
with dreams'? Or is he/she just confused?
Too many repetitions of 'her'.
S3: I think 'watch' could be deleted to
avoid the confusion of how N watches
a foreign tongue. Maybe just simplify slightly.
'the world passing us by' is disappointing.
S4: (Hineni - might make for a better title ?)
Is there any way to move Boracay closer
to the start? By this time I've imagined a
location and then reading this is like being
told I was wrong, and throws me out of the
piece.
Best, Knot.