Too Restless to Sleep (Revision 5)

[allisonkreid]

Revision 5

Bare of leaves, the wild oaks stretch
like fellow insomniacs.

Dew sizzles in beads
along the long grass.

Flowers glint under the dry light,
unblown pinwheels in thick air. 

I shift my feet in the dirt, 
knowing the end

will be nothing like this.

Revision 4

Bare of leaves, the wild oaks
stretch like fellow insomniacs.

Dew sizzles in beads
on the long grass.

Under the dry light, flowers glint,
unblown pinwheels in the thick air. 

I shift in the dirt 
from foot to foot, 

knowing the end
will be nothing like this.

Revision 3

Bare of leaves, the wild trees
stretch like fellow insomniacs.

Dew sizzles in beads
on the long grass.

Under the dry light, flowers glint
in the still air, unblown pinwheels. 

I shift in the dirt 
from foot to foot, 

knowing the end
will be nothing like this.


Revision 2

The wild trees, bare of leaves, 
seem like fellow insomniacs
under the dry light of the forest.

Flowers glint in the still air, 
unblown pinwheels
as dew sizzles on the long grass.

I shift in the dirt from foot to foot, 
knowing the end
will be nothing like this.

Revision

The wild trees, bare of leaves, 
seem like fellow insomniacs
under the dry light of the forest.

The flowers still in the heavy air, 
unblown, stationary pinwheels.

I shift in the dirt from foot to foot, 
knowing the end
will be nothing like this.


Original

Under the dry light of the forest,
flowers are unblown, stationary pinwheels.
 
The wild trees, bare of leaves,
seem like fellow insomniacs.
 
I stand in the dirt shifting 
from foot to foot,

knowing the end
will be nothing like this.

I enjoyed this. Some thoughts:

Dew sizzles in beads
along the long grass.

Dew cannot sizzle as this brings up imagery of heat and the sun burns off dew before there is the possibility of it sizzling.

I felt that '''along" and "long" in the same line were unnecessarily awkward.

Flowers glint under the dry light,
unblown pinwheels in thick air. 

Glint makes me think metalic which contrasts with the flower analogy... But really liked the piece about pinwheels.

I shift my feet in the dirt, 
knowing the end

Why do you know? What about this poem conveys that the speaker has such knowledge?

Hope this feedback is helpful. Thanks for sharing!