06-24-2018, 11:09 PM
A heart is unseen,
the dancer alone -
spinning
no partner to tango with
anymore
But that's me. Anyway, you can always fiddle around with things.
Feelings hiding in shadows
while faked smiles wrinkle
mournful cheeks
You might want to stick to the more concrete throughout this. The heart being the thing unseen or in shadow.
empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor
aside bare feet
Some of the adjectives could be deleted or switched around; don't have to be, but it's a critique.
Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines
Maybe, just maybe, switch something like 'Melancholia' for "Melancholy poetry". Again, you could switch some of these words around. Through dim tears, dripping light. Poetry is about a transcending consciousness.
the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times...
the dancer alone -
spinning
no partner to tango with
anymore
But that's me. Anyway, you can always fiddle around with things.
Feelings hiding in shadows
while faked smiles wrinkle
mournful cheeks
You might want to stick to the more concrete throughout this. The heart being the thing unseen or in shadow.
empty wine bottles
strewn on a cold floor
aside bare feet
Some of the adjectives could be deleted or switched around; don't have to be, but it's a critique.
Melancholy poetry read
by a dim light-
tears dripping on somber lines
Maybe, just maybe, switch something like 'Melancholia' for "Melancholy poetry". Again, you could switch some of these words around. Through dim tears, dripping light. Poetry is about a transcending consciousness.
the note to end it all
thought of -
a thousand times...