01-12-2010, 11:20 AM
(01-12-2010, 07:47 AM)addy Wrote: I think it really flows better with the edits (though it could be just mei'll give it a go later. thanks.). Like some of the changes (replacing "wicked" with "wayward" in the first stanza, for instance) and only has very minor typos ("make her squirms" in the last stanza)
The internal rhythm is pretty good, but can still be polished to perfection. A good way to do this is to recite the poem to yourself. If it feels natural, then it's good to go
in honesty this was one of the first things i ever wrote and it was more of a personal poem
i basically placed it here to show even personal poems shouldn't affect us if they get critiqued. i can openly admit that it's not what i would call a good poem lmao. (personally it's great for me) but as a public poem it's far from good. it isn't my baby that needs love and attention. here it's a poem that needs work-shopping and editing. i'm sure it won't evolve into a great poem. if did it lose it's meaning to me. it could with effort evolve into a decent poem for the reader however. all i have to do is lose a lot of the cliche, make it more of an image. and get rid of olde worlde shit. jmo.and i'm happy to that.