To Me, Fair Friend, You Never Can Be Old

[Joshua Smith]

For instance, lines 3-4 (in the first verse of both parts) are an interruption that detracts rather than adds.   


I must ask of you, my darling,

Only once, but frankly so,

Searing, single, fearing question.––

Moments come, and moments go.

Though I know your love is truthful,

- either 'love' or 'truthful' is misused here.

Even truest love grows cold.

- 'truest/cold/ doesn't really work.

Grandest passions/Youthful fires may grow cold.

Therefore I must need petition.

- I thought 'needs' worked.  Though it might be better swapping 'need' for 'you'

Will you love me still when I am old?

- Will you love me though I grow old?

Down the stream of life together,

- 'stream' doesn't really work, I think, it begs the question why not 'river'?

Joyously sailing side by side,

- we sail, joyous, side by side

Hoping on that bright day to anchor

- hoping that one day we'll anchor

Safe beyond the surging tide.

- surging' seems weak, given the context.

I not sure if the next two verses add much, they feel rather like repetition than development.

...

I will claim of you your promise

- by the time I get here, I'm wondering why it isn't 'thee' instead of 'you'
Worth to me a world of gold.

- how is it 'worth' that? By which I mean, what is the value of 'gold' in this context?

O sweet love, my ancient answer

- I think you could swap the order of 'ancient' and 'answer'
Changeless from my virgin spoken word,

- 'spoken' seems awkward.
Surely furnished from heaven’s throne,
Surely relays, you are succored.

Love, dear dove, can never wane

- so, contradicting the speaker of S2/L2? Fair enough. But where's this speakers evidence?

(It seems to come in the fourth verse of this section, but why doesn't it follow directly?)

The love/dove rhyme is not well done, I think.
This eternal flame has just
Begun warming your precious soul.–
Though all rusts and turns to dust,

- too much going on here, 'dove/wane/flame/warming/rusts/dust'


And I'm puzzled by 'friend' in the title.


Best, Knot

I appreciate your help.  Thank you very much. 

lines 3-4 (in the first verse of both parts) are an interruption that detracts rather than adds.  I will look to alter or remove these lines.

'truest/cold/' doesn't really work.
Grandest passions/Youthful fires may grow cold.  Would "fiercest love" work better?

'stream' doesn't really work, I think, it begs the question why not 'river'?  The goal is to stress the smallness of temporal life.  I am attempting to allude to land streams while also maintaining the context of the ocean metaphor to follow.  The ocean streams (i.e. gulf stream) that literally carry vessels to the other side of the ocean also work to illustrate that even if we stop rowing the stream still carries us forward in life.

'surging' seems weak, given the context.  Do you mean the context in reference to stream, or word definition, or sonically?

I'm wondering why it isn't 'thee' instead of 'you'   You are right it should be "thee".

what is the value of 'gold' in this context?  I will try to rewrite this line.

I think you could swap the order of 'ancient' and 'answer'.  I am contemplating this change.

But where's this speakers evidence?  I am hoping everyone asks this question.  Ideally some key words in the first stanza of the response help to answer this.  The following stanzas were also designed to indicate this.  Ironically the stanza you reference (if you were referring to "mighty time")  is the one that I did not think did this.

And I'm puzzled by 'friend' in the title.  The title is a direct quote from the first line of Shakespeare's Sonnet 104, from which I derived the theme and concept.  The friend would be the one who is asking the question over the first six stanza's, and the one who is being responded to in the final six stanza's.


You gave me a great deal of things to think on.  I am grateful for your valuable information, and the investment you made on this.