03-07-2020, 06:27 PM
(02-17-2020, 01:10 PM)Wjames Wrote: Crunch some baby carrots,
I want to hear your golden molars
destroy something else.
I’ve been dipped in ranch
and shredded into cobb salad
so many times I feel orange
or red, splattered on the precious metals
that colour your smile.
Hi wjames,
I like the colour/sensory imagery in this.
Some crits:
S1L1 needs a semicolon, a dash or a full stop after ‘carrots’. S1L2: I like the connotations that ‘golden’ brings up - perfection, golden boy/golden girl - and I think it would lose something to cut it out.
I can get behind N being verbally ‘shredded’, but am not sure why you’ve chosen cobb salad in particular. It took me a little bit to parse ‘into cobb salad’ as meaning ‘like cobb salad’, as I kept imagining the spouse (or whoever) metaphorically chopping up N and putting him *into* the cobb salad.
Ranch dressing seems quite mild if compared to the sort of vitriol N feels he is being subjected to: ‘I’ve been doused with vinegar’, or similar, might convey more of the intended meaning.
I can’t quite get behind ‘I feel orange or red’ (why orange? Why red? What substances are the orange/red being compared to, and how can someone feel like a colour apart from, I suppose, blue?) but like ‘the precious metals... smile’.
Cheers,
EWO