05-24-2020, 01:54 AM
.
Hi Emac,
lots to like here, the third stanza in particular, and the excellent end line.
I don't find the second stanza that interesting, it feels rather generic (Sunday roasts, old friends, late-night listening) - nothing the seemed specific to the author. Dig a bit deeper
The first stanza starts well (but I found it a bit confusing from line 5 onward) and it doesn't need the exclamation marks.
A couple of thoughts ...
I’m from the lighthouse,
From salt air and paraffin.
I’m from the patter of tenements,
(one generation removed,
...
Possibly my favourite part - particularly tying Yorkshire (Askew) to rogan josh (though is there something you could add to Askew to pair with clan?)
This level of detail is what's missing in S2,
I’m from the Askew and the Macleod clan,
mackerel and rogan josh.
(If you're following the original, no From in this line)
From the battery Dad used to fix his clippers,
And GG’s mystic tea leaves.
(It gets a little weaker after this, until the solid ending)
...
Best, Knot
.
Hi Emac,
lots to like here, the third stanza in particular, and the excellent end line.
I don't find the second stanza that interesting, it feels rather generic (Sunday roasts, old friends, late-night listening) - nothing the seemed specific to the author. Dig a bit deeper
The first stanza starts well (but I found it a bit confusing from line 5 onward) and it doesn't need the exclamation marks.
A couple of thoughts ...
I’m from the lighthouse,
From salt air and paraffin.
I’m from the patter of tenements,
(one generation removed,
...
Possibly my favourite part - particularly tying Yorkshire (Askew) to rogan josh (though is there something you could add to Askew to pair with clan?)
This level of detail is what's missing in S2,
I’m from the Askew and the Macleod clan,
mackerel and rogan josh.
(If you're following the original, no From in this line)
From the battery Dad used to fix his clippers,
And GG’s mystic tea leaves.
(It gets a little weaker after this, until the solid ending)
...
Best, Knot
.