08-15-2020, 01:30 PM
You were spot on with the tree and raven references, Valerie. Glad you connected with them both and found them to be lighthearted nods at death.
Caravano
I am so appreciative that you would include a reference for oblivion—what an astounding work. I will keep in mind adding a more detailed, personal touch. I actually do not happen to fear silence, but I was using it more as a parallel to death in this particular poem, which I (and many others) do fear.
Caravano
I am so appreciative that you would include a reference for oblivion—what an astounding work. I will keep in mind adding a more detailed, personal touch. I actually do not happen to fear silence, but I was using it more as a parallel to death in this particular poem, which I (and many others) do fear.
(08-15-2020, 09:53 AM)busker Wrote: Echoing the above crit, I'd say that there are too many metaphors as loose ends in this poem. The raven, the tree (Yggdrasil imagery, made banal by HBO), then suddenly something like a cat or monkey leaping away from your arms. Then that monkey chasing the zoomorphised 'freedom' of our ancestors, and suddenly back to Silence and Sound.I would argue that your interpretations were much more grounded in history and exact metaphors than I intended the poem to be and have. However, you definitely got me there with the Big Bang. Exactly what I was going for, and I quite honestly did not even think about how it would not have made a sound. Hmm…bummer. The image was quite sound (no pun intended) in my head. Thank you for your always-insightful feedback, busker.
The Oblivion with a capital O is trying hard to be profound.
And God's celestial symphony...are we to suspend our disbelief in the Pythagorean music of the spheres? It doesn't look like it's intended as an allusion to a historical belief. If that was the intent, it's not come out well. I would furthermore eschew all gratuitous use of 'sweet' and 'celestial' in a modern screenplay.
The parts after that are a death spiral. There was no 'sound' in the Big Bang - there was no medium for longitudinal vibrations to propagate in. And what does Elysium have to do with all this?
There may be an intended reference to 'Om' and the Hindu belief in the sound at the beginning of creation, but the allusion is weak, and doesn't link up strongly enough with the rest of the poem.

