10-06-2021, 08:44 AM
Hey busker- Lovely piece, yet it seems something's missing between "magpie" and "moon".
Perhaps, a line to tie the "brooding magpie" to "the moon fades": a line describing its song.
That aside, I'm a fan of very short pieces, and also very aware that every word has a job to do: a descriptive word instead of "begins" would work in that direction.
The "silver dollar" image doesn't quite fit here (for me): perhaps an image of something that exists in the natural world?
As day____ , night (arises? )
in its many moods
lingers, like a brooding
magpie.
_____________ (some onomatopoeia?)
_____________
The moon fades
into _______. ( ?? )
Just some of my imprsseions,
Mark
Perhaps, a line to tie the "brooding magpie" to "the moon fades": a line describing its song.
That aside, I'm a fan of very short pieces, and also very aware that every word has a job to do: a descriptive word instead of "begins" would work in that direction.
The "silver dollar" image doesn't quite fit here (for me): perhaps an image of something that exists in the natural world?
As day____ , night (arises? )
in its many moods
lingers, like a brooding
magpie.
_____________ (some onomatopoeia?)
_____________
The moon fades
into _______. ( ?? )
Just some of my imprsseions,
Mark