12-07-2021, 11:25 AM
Hey Duke, I quite enjoyed this. Feels like a departure in tone from you, yet somehow maintains your voice. I don't have a ton of crit, but a few thoughts below.
(12-06-2021, 10:45 AM)dukealien Wrote: Love Friday about this later
It’s a perfect Friday
a perfectly ordinary Friday
as if any Friday could
be ordinary This first strophe struck me as really well constructed. It's a skill to use repetition without sounding repetitive. Well done here
there is time for everything
but no time to finish
anything
work is easy
put it on the stack wonder if "pile" might outperform "stack" here. PUT/PILE gives a "stacking" of sounds.
for Monday
but so hard
impossible to start
any job at all the minimal punctuation works great overall, but these three lines are a clumsy read for me. A little tinkering needed, at most
oh, Friday
if there were a day to love
it would be you
but there’s just no time
to begin a romance now. nice finish. A hint of this "romance" ought to be part of the title. IMO
One of the few non-LPiA poems from November (the 12th, to be exact). Good to hear