03-28-2022, 11:29 PM
Hey Wavey-
A person will have in their possession the most amazing opportunity only to let it go and end up chasing after it until it is no longer visible. Sadly, the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams. Thats why we see so many stars in the sky; they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.
You need line breaks.
I do love the phrase that the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams."
Try imagining what "the most amazing opportunity" looks like and describe it, ie show me, don't tell me.
The metaphor of dreams/stars is OK, but for the fact that stars most certainly obey the law of gravity. That bit of inaccuracy wrecks the metaphor; especially when you state as fact Thats why we see so many stars in the sky. Also, it's That's, not Thats. Misspellings do throw off the reading.
I also think that you may benefit by writing this in first person. Keep it personal, instead of presuming what "a person will" or "why we see". What you and I will do or see may be similar, but I want to know what you will, and what you see.
I certainly appreciate the sentiment of this poem, and hope you can guide it further along.
Mark
A person will have in their possession the most amazing opportunity only to let it go and end up chasing after it until it is no longer visible. Sadly, the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams. Thats why we see so many stars in the sky; they're a representation of dreams that were abandoned.
You need line breaks.
I do love the phrase that the law of gravity doesn't apply to dreams."
Try imagining what "the most amazing opportunity" looks like and describe it, ie show me, don't tell me.
The metaphor of dreams/stars is OK, but for the fact that stars most certainly obey the law of gravity. That bit of inaccuracy wrecks the metaphor; especially when you state as fact Thats why we see so many stars in the sky. Also, it's That's, not Thats. Misspellings do throw off the reading.
I also think that you may benefit by writing this in first person. Keep it personal, instead of presuming what "a person will" or "why we see". What you and I will do or see may be similar, but I want to know what you will, and what you see.
I certainly appreciate the sentiment of this poem, and hope you can guide it further along.
Mark