How might I serve you? (new title)

[brynmawr1]

updated version

Bravo!!

Thanks Degrees

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I am going to eat you.
      Eating is touch
          and touch is love.
              I live to love
                  and I must eat to live.
 
I am going to eat you
       smothered in shimmering oil
sizzled in a tumble of onions,
       translucent as tears.
Buried under a mountain of red
      potatoes and orange carrots.
Wrapped in a garland
      of crushed cloves
      of garlic, fresh sprigs of thyme
      salted
      until you are hidden
from the world.
 
I am going to eat you
      rendered free
          from the cage of your skin,
from tendon and sinew 
      leaving nothing
      but your tenderness portioned
for my mouth
      already tasting
the sweetness in your doom.
 
I will eat you with my fire, after
      a long slow dance
in the heat of my womb,
      an alchemic transformation until 
I can pierce you
     without resistance. You are now
my natural food, consumed;
     so completely full in me.

I will confess to liking the original version more.  This one has winnowed out all the eroticism I found in the original, going straight to the cannibalism angle.

That said, my one suggestion for this new version would be to drop the first stanza.  The syllogistic progression (I hope that's the right phrase) seems a little overdone to me and doesn't add anything to the poem.  Just jump right in with stanza 2.

TqB

Ah, the first stanza.  Too clever by half, I guess.  I spent a hot minute trying to get the progression just right!  It was a risk I was willing to take, but i still feel I need a prelude stanza in some form.  It's hard cause I like all the versions of my poems for different reasons.  Kind of like my golf game.  Lots of single shot brilliance.  If I could put them all end to end, I could go pro!  And now we thread the needle with shaky hand!  Syllogistic, that is a great word!
Thanks a bunch.