03-09-2023, 01:11 AM
Hi Steve-
Gettin closer, but you know me- less is more. I don't need the first or last stanzas.
I am going to eat you.
Eating is touch
and touch is love.
I live to love
and I must eat to live.
This lead-in is completely unnecessary (for me), and dilutes the poem.
I am going to eat you Much stronger if you open here- gets me straight into the kitchen. 'cook' instead of eat? since eating comes later.
smothered in shimmering oil 'smothered' is a good word choice.
sizzled in a tumble of onions,
translucent as tears. 'tears' is good, subtle word choice.
Buried under a mountain of red 'buried' is the right word. Good!
potatoes and orange carrots.
Wrapped in a garland
of crushed cloves
of garlic, fresh sprigs of thyme
salted Of course there will be salt, but it isn't adding to this recipe.
until you are hidden
from the world. You lose a bit of the edge here- the slow stirring, and the smelling of the rich aromas are a vital, yet oddly missing element.
I am going to eat you
rendered free
from the cage of your skin, Aren't bones the cage of the body? 'bones' sounds spookier, too.
from tendon and sinew,
pierce you
without resistance, moved from s.3
leaving nothing
but your tenderness portioned
for my mouth
already tasting
the sweetness in your doom. I really do believe that the poem ends here, and it's a strong ending.
The following stanza is just anti-climactic
I will eat you with my fire, after
a long slow dance
in the heat of my womb,
an alchemic transformation until
I can pierce you
without resistance. You are now The bolded phrase could find a place in S.2
my natural food, consumed;
so completely full in me. This is just a weak ending, for me, at least. Ending at 'doom' is far stronger.
Of course, these are only suggestions, but this type of poem requires more impact for me to buy-in to its macabre subject. That impact could be delivered with less lines, and S.2/S.3 do that for me. I'm not asking you to reduce this piece to broth, I'm just saying what works for me, the reader, this reader. I think you have a complete poem if you just trim the fat, but add the stirring and smelling.
Perhaps the title could be 'Consumed'. It would work for both the 'recipe' that is eaten, and the fiendish desire of the cook.
.. Mark
Gettin closer, but you know me- less is more. I don't need the first or last stanzas.
I am going to eat you.
Eating is touch
and touch is love.
I live to love
and I must eat to live.
This lead-in is completely unnecessary (for me), and dilutes the poem.
I am going to eat you Much stronger if you open here- gets me straight into the kitchen. 'cook' instead of eat? since eating comes later.
smothered in shimmering oil 'smothered' is a good word choice.
sizzled in a tumble of onions,
translucent as tears. 'tears' is good, subtle word choice.
Buried under a mountain of red 'buried' is the right word. Good!
potatoes and orange carrots.
Wrapped in a garland
of crushed cloves
of garlic, fresh sprigs of thyme
salted Of course there will be salt, but it isn't adding to this recipe.
until you are hidden
from the world. You lose a bit of the edge here- the slow stirring, and the smelling of the rich aromas are a vital, yet oddly missing element.
I am going to eat you
rendered free
from the cage of your skin, Aren't bones the cage of the body? 'bones' sounds spookier, too.
from tendon and sinew,
pierce you
without resistance, moved from s.3
leaving nothing
but your tenderness portioned
for my mouth
already tasting
the sweetness in your doom. I really do believe that the poem ends here, and it's a strong ending.
The following stanza is just anti-climactic
I will eat you with my fire, after
a long slow dance
in the heat of my womb,
an alchemic transformation until
I can pierce you
without resistance. You are now The bolded phrase could find a place in S.2
my natural food, consumed;
so completely full in me. This is just a weak ending, for me, at least. Ending at 'doom' is far stronger.
Of course, these are only suggestions, but this type of poem requires more impact for me to buy-in to its macabre subject. That impact could be delivered with less lines, and S.2/S.3 do that for me. I'm not asking you to reduce this piece to broth, I'm just saying what works for me, the reader, this reader. I think you have a complete poem if you just trim the fat, but add the stirring and smelling.
Perhaps the title could be 'Consumed'. It would work for both the 'recipe' that is eaten, and the fiendish desire of the cook.
.. Mark