04-20-2023, 12:54 PM
(04-11-2023, 02:06 AM)Velasco Wrote: I follow the tune through old homes,"Estranged" seems perhaps at odds with the tone of the poem unless there was a very specific reason for that word choice. Could be: Doorbells rung by neighbors (?)
recollecting doorbells rung by the estranged, the sounds
that certain toys and games would make, and the
weather forecast jingle that would wake me up
before walking in the morning fog, sometimes
picking dandelions or common daisies
for the crossing guard or mom. I'm searching for
a bright opening to leave these shadow puppets dancing
on the roughly plastered wall, because tomorrow
soon becomes a passed-down story
with its warm rainbow of light.
I recommend moving the "for" until after the line break. I had to read it twice since my initial pass made me think it could be mom that was being sought.
I enjoyed the puppets dancing on the roughly plastered wall.
"What I want in poetry is a kind of abstract photography of the nerves, but what I like in photography is the poetry of literal pictures of the neighborhood." -John Koethe

